knee moments

pic from a. hernando

It's late in the day and I'm in need of some coffee.  I have something burning on the inside... and it's to say this to you, my friend:

 

I want to stay put long enough in one location to have my knees planted to ground. To the ground, I want to rest my knees. I want to be found in a conversation with my Lord. I want an exchange, a giving and taking between me and Him. I want to pour what I have in me, to give onto Him. I want to give, and give more of my heart, my self, so that I may receive all that He has to pour back into the spaces I've created for Him.

 

This is what I want to do--stay on my knees.

 

Jaci Valesquez's song "On my Knees" has always been a reminder to me about the power in living a lifestyle of coming to our knees.

 

In our knee moments (yes, I'm coining this newly developed term), we have the ability to press into the heart of God. We have been given an eternal gift in the Holy Spirit... in the blood of Jesus Christ. We've been given this precious treasure by God Himself so that we may be able to come boldly into the Kingdom of God and be empowered to do greater things.

 

So I hear her song...

There are days when I feel the best of me is ready to begin

Then they're days when I feel I'm letting go and soaring on the wind

Cause I've learned in laughter or in pain, how to survive

 

I get on my knees, I get on my knees

There I am before the love that changes me

See I don't know how but there's power when I'm on my knees

I have thought long and hard about this posture of being on my knees. It's eye-opening and I invite you to think about it too.

 

It is during these knee moments that have often repurposed and redirected the motions of my life.
 

I think about my 18-year-old self who thought nobody cared. Each day was a struggle to survive. And though I was still involved in a toxic, on-and-off-again-relationship, the big knee moment happened when I discovered I was pregnant.
 

I remember sitting in the little recessed section at the front of my dorm room where the full-length mirror hung. I remember holding tightly to my silver flip-phone deciding whether or not I should call someone. Even if, who would I call? I stared at my reflection for hours and couldn't stop weeping. I sat there, on my knees, afraid to move elsewhere.
 

In a matter of moments, my tiny, grandma fingers somehow made its way to the keypad. I phoned the only friend who I felt could give me a true, godly and honest response.  Although I don't remember all that was said in that conversation, the only words I can recall saying is "I'm pregnant and I don't want this baby." And her responding, "I think you should keep it."

 

I don't have any ill-feelings about what was said... I remember hearing love, forgiveness, redemption, grace in her voice but I didn't want it--none of it. So a week later I found myself in an abortion clinic--sealed the deed, as they would say--and returned to campus the next day.

 

I bled. I bled a lot. Physically and spiritually.  And in my most fragile stages of living this newly independent life, I found myself on my knees--a whole lot--searching for forgiveness, answers, purpose, comfort, hope... love. And I've learned through the knee moments, there is a God who is so full of forgiveness, restoration, and love.

 

There's been plenty of those knee moments between age 18 and now 27.  But these moments remind me of my frailty and how much I need God. They remind me of my smallness and I'm quite fine with that. And there are moments on my knees because I'm overwhelmed by what I have found: healing, power, love, forgiveness, truth, freedom...
 

I know this sounds a bit radical but I love brokenness and these knee moments(as much as it hurts at times). I like to be reminded of how much I need the cross. Otherwise I'd be on a very different route with quite the opposite list of ambitions and dreams. But as I reflect on all the knee moments and think about how they have shaped me along the journey, I know there is always grace and love at the throne of God.
 

I need more of Jesus. I need more moments on my knees to humbly give myself (all the pain, the confusions, the sadness, the happy ones too, the small things to the big ones) to the One that gave me life because He has so much more to pour back. I get really busy with stuff and don't fight hard enough for the knee moments.  Sometimes it's really because I'm scared... but I have been feeling it more as of late.  I have been feeling this need to get on my knees every chance.  I hope you do too.  There's so much in those moments to be found.  I hope to hear what you find.
 

Are you needing to get on your knees too?
 

What do you need to release to Him?
 

Have you had some recent knee moments?

 

"Imagine if each time you had the urge to text, tweet, email, log onto Facebook, or phone a friend to share some heartfelt need, you stopped and prayed instead. Really prayed, trusting God to answer. That’s faith." -Anne Voscamp